


wHaT eVeN.

by MunchyMoon



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Crack, Flashbacks, Fluff, James will bite someone, M/M, Silent Peggy, but kinda nice i geuss, idk even know what I'm doing, like alot of crack, the ending is weird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-11 23:11:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17456075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MunchyMoon/pseuds/MunchyMoon
Summary: This is crack literally only crack.





	wHaT eVeN.

**Author's Note:**

> Read aloud for best experience.
> 
> Shot challenge. Take a shot every time Thomas or James' name appears!

“I’m not a robot! I’m not going to do all this for you! I’m not going to mingle with your enemies like a puppet! I’m certainly not going to pretend to be happy watching you spread rumors about innocent people!”

“Alexander is anything but innocent,” Thomas let out a breath he’d been holding in, “it’s called getting ahead.” It was at that moment Thomas realized he bleeped up.

“You know what? Bleep you Thomas, bleep you.” James put up his ring finger, only showing Thomas he was a christian and probably still had that Minecraft server.

James started walking away and Thomas could still see the shocked students around him obviously shocked from what they witnessed.

Thomas cursed under his breath like a true bad boy and started walking in the opposite direction that James went because their classes were conveniently placed. 

While Thomas Jefferson was in lunch, sitting on his trey and eating his table, he gasped as he saw James HIS James sitting with HAMILTON AND FLAPPING JOHN JAY!!!!!!!

 

Thomas and his beautiful anime face quickly got jealous at the sight of his Jemmy laughing with the demons he decided to sit with. James should be eating the floor with him!

“James will soon feel the wrath of the macaroni and cheese flarper.” Thomas whispered. To the air, he smiled sinisterly. Him and his newfound partner, the air, were going to fill James with the feeling of regret.

As Thomas started stalking toward his prey he noticed that James was literally in the middle of a circle. Thomas started remembering good old days;

“James your gonna get hurt. That kids a meanie. I would know, my dad said so.”

Thomas told James that he heard a kid named Patrick Henry tell John Laurens ‘that it was terrible to even think of boys as good looking’ when John Laurens said the new kid Alexander Hamilton looked really cute.

And when Thomas told James well… now James was walking toward the direction Patrick Henry should be. James was small and sickly with perfect grades. When they first met Thomas thought James was younger than he was. Basically James was weak.

“Patrick’s big dumb booty is gonna be so hurt he’ll never learn to spell his name!”

“I thought you were ‘Mommy's goody two shoes christian boy,’ Moms are always right, my dad said so.” Thomas’ dad knew everything.

Thomas could see Patrick Henry, he wondered if James’ punch felt like being hit with a tiny doll pillow or feather. James went up to Patrick Henry, slowly and menacingly, to make sure whoever was talking to Patrick Henry left. 

James took a page out of his little brother’s book and bit Patrick, so hard James could feel blood in his mouth. Patrick was now acting like a worm and trying to wiggle James of his arm. It only made James bite harder. Thomas was kinda panicking because Patrick was screaming and crying. And maybe because he could see blood dribbling out where James was firmly latched on him. 

Kids were gathering around now everyone looked terrified a teacher most definitely would come soon so Thomas started pulling James off of Patrick Henry. When he finally got James off Patrick Henry he started dragging him away only to hear James screaming at him blood still running down his chin.

“YOU’RE THE WORST! I HOPE SATEN COLLECTS YOUR SOUL! YOU BLEEP! THOMAS LET ME AT HIM! I’M GONNA BITE HIS LEG OFF! APOLOGIZE TO LAURENS YOU ENORMOUS COW! AND I HATED THE COOKIES YOUR MOM MADE!” James said, clearly fuming. 

Patrick Henry always looked scared when he saw James. They had a rivalry going on.

Thomas would never lie to James again.

Thomas almost smiled at the memory but was quickly reminded of Alexander's group circling his baby child. Thomas glared at the awkward circle in creepy cloaks all doing this weird dance, looking like they were sacrificing James. Thomas stood like a bear, really awkwardly. Thomas started walking toward them, smirking, ready to steal back his B.F.F

And suddenly he heard James say ‘Okay!’ in a really excited and suddenly James was leaving. WITH ALEX. Thomas stood there feeling the very jealousness James was supposed to feel. His partner, air, failed him. Thomas felt the defeat all around him.

Thomas had a new idea, he was going to talk to the “Silent Peggy” and get some gossip. He walked into the library and pulled the ‘Book of Peggy’ and the bookcase moved out of the way.

Thomas went in only to find an out for lunch sign. Fudge Nut.

Thomas waited for the amount of time it would take to eat an entire planet until the Silent Peggy came in ninja gear and all. No one knew her identity there’s rumors that her real name is Margarita but Thomas didn’t believe that.

“What do you need?” Silent Peggy’s brooding voice broke Thomas out of his description.

“I need a good way to get my friend to be my friend to be my friend again.”

“Ah, your human slave, James, has finally left you.” Silent Peggy could somehow read minds!? Nani!?

“How did you know?!” Thomas was so terrified he was crying rivers.

“Everyone hates you. He’s the only one brave enough to put up with you, and to bite Patrick harder than the equivalent of a bull ramming into you.” Silent Peggy was very all knowing.

“You know about that? Anyway how do I get him back?”

“It’s simple. Just kiss him. He’s been crushing on you forever. Like literally forever. Oh also you should let him hang out with his old friend Margarita.” That was a strange request. Why Margarita?

Thomas had no choice it was either pay Silent Peggy a hundy or go to Angelica Schuyler. And Angelica Schuyler was not angelic at all. Thomas would take his chances. Tomorrow would be a long day.

As Thomas went to his classes he saw Jemmy Juice drinking a chug jug. Thomas went up to Jamdfqwbf and pressed his disgusting macaroni covered cracked lips against Juke Duke’s soft ones.

Thomas smiled seductively and and James felt super weirded out. It felt like he was kissing eggshells.

“Thomcar Jefferdead??!?!?!?!?!” James was caressing his shocked and was cheek. “But I thought you diedn’t lick me.” Slim Jim didn’t even now what was happening anymore.

“I love you Copyright Claim 159.”

“Kiss me again.”

AND THEY ATE THEIR TABLES TOGETHER FOREVER.

**Author's Note:**

> Patrick Henry didn't ACTUALLY say that to John Laurens. Thomas made it up.
> 
> Oh also for awhile people ignored James because they thought he would bite them. James has bit others.


End file.
